The Washington Department of Fish and Wildlife has been in court what seems like a fair amount of late, what with all the Center for Biological Funding Diversity lawsuits over bears and wolves.
So today we’re going to play a game we like to call “Bluff the reader,” a total ripoff of the Wait Wait Don’t Tell Me radio segment where three news stories are read to a listener who must guess which one is true.
Our theme: We’ll see you in court, WDFW!
Guess which of these is an actual lawsuit that’s been served on the agency and you win!*
1) UNHAPPY WITH PARTICIPATION PRIZE
An environmental group whose candidate wasn’t chosen as WDFW’s new director last Saturday is suing in an attempt to force the Fish and Wildlife Commission to reconsider before the new boss Kelly Susewind takes the reigns Aug. 1.
Frequent agency critic the Center for Biological Diversity says that Wolfstar Flowerwillow is eminently qualified to lead WDFW’s 1,800 employees, and oversee its land base of 1,400 square miles and $437 million two-year budget.
“Mr. Flowerwillow has a masters degree in Outerior Design from Evergreen State and studied wolves and cougars under Rob Wielgus at Wazzu,” said spokesman Amaroq Weiss.
Unfortunately for the prospective candidate’s chances, Flowerwillow was among the job seekers whose resume was flushed early on from the pool of 19 choices by Fish and Wildlife Commission members.
“Ultimately, they went with that … that … that butcher Susewind! Have you not seen how many hunting licenses, tags special applications that beast bought last year?!?” said Weiss. “We’re not going to stand for it!”
CBD’s lawsuit calls for the director search to start over, to disqualify anyone who’s ever bought a hunting or fishing license, and to just hire Flowerwillow instead.
WDFW had “no comment” on the lawsuit.
2) DON’T ‘LANUCH’ ON ME
A fiery anti-government Washington resident is suing WDFW over what he considers to be a violation of his constitutional rights.
“They say, ‘Lanuch at your own risk,’ but by god, I’ll lanuch whether the state says it’s risky or not,” said Geau Avay. “I will lanuch in the morning, in the blazing-hot sun without sunscreeen on, and while firing bottle rockets out of my butt!”
What Avay is actually referring to is a WDFW water access sign on which the word “launch” was misspelled.
But that’s not stopping him.
“If the state is now in the business of determining whether I should be lanuching or not, what next?” Avay wondered. “This is just the first step towards tyranny, and I aim to stop it!”
WDFW had “no comment” on the lawsuit.
3) NO MORE “BATHS” FOR BUSHYTAILS
A Whatcom County woman is suing WDFW because a representative advised her to drown nuisance squirrels she’s live-trapped “out of sight of anyone this may offend.”
Vegan licensed euthanizer Rebecca Crowley says she can not “abide the infliction of undue harm or suffering to any being, human or nonhuman” in a superior court lawsuit, according to the Bellingham Herald.
She points to veterinary standards, and county and city codes that she says bars it — and even WDFW guidelines that say if you don’t have any sodium pentobarbital on hand, instead of drowning, put the unwanted squirrel in the garage with the door closed and car left running.
Crowley wants drowning problem wildlife to be banned and for WDFW to never, ever tell people they can go ahead and do so.
Her lawyer, Adam Karp, who created the Facebook page Squirrels Over Troubled Water, says nonlethal preventative methods should be used first, things like buying a pack of squirrel hounds, clearcutting and brushbusting your property to remove squirrel habitat, and putting away all the toys and other squirrel attractants in your yard.
As you may have guessed, WDFW had “no comment” on this actual lawsuit.
* Absolutely nothing.