Dishonor Roll Bonus ‘What The Hell Is Wrong With People?’ Edition

I'll tell you what I'm thankful for this Thanksgiving: fish and wildlife officers.

How in hell they put up with all this bullshit is beyond me, but thank god they're out there protecting our fish, game and lands from Tomfoolery and all his illiterate, degenerate cousins who are stealing our deer, elk, salmon and other species, not to mention making us look stupid.

Here are some of the dregs of humanity the Oregon State Police's Fish & Wildlife Division cited this past August, as detailed in the agency's latest monthly newsletter:

I DON'T KNOW, MAN, THE GUN JUST KEPT FIRING AND BEFORE YOU KNOW IT, THERE WERE THREE DEAD BULL ELK AND I LET TWO OF THEM GO TO WASTE AND I DON'T KNOW, MAYBE I CAME BACK AND SCATTERED ALL THE EVIDENCE, BUT IT WAS ALL AN ACCIDENT

During the 2010 Murderers Creek bull rifle season, Tpr. Ritter (John Day), Sr. Tpr. Timko, and Tpr. Hutchison (Patrol) worked a “suspicious” hunting camp. They were not able to make a case, so Ritter and Timko hiked back into the rugged area after the season ended looking for evidence to no avail. In summer 2011, Ritter received an anonymous tip reporting one of the two tag holders in that camp shot and killed three branch-antlered bulls and left two to waste. This subject also said the suspect was concerned he could face a $30,000 fine for the elk, so the suspect returned to the area in late spring and cut up the antlers of the wasted elk and dispersed the pieces so law enforcement would not find them. Ritter and Timko interviewed three members of the camp who told the same story. They contacted the suspect who initially denied killing more than one elk, but he eventually said he “accidentally” killed three 5 x 5 bulls and left two to waste. He denied going back and cutting up the antlers. With the complainant’s help, Ritter and Tpr. Weaver (Patrol) directed Tpr. McClay (John Day) and Sr. Tpr. Johnson (Patrol) via radio to two wasted elk carcasses in the steep and rugged terrain. Ritter issued the suspect citations for Tampering with Physical Evidence x 2, Exceeding Bag Limit—Bull Elk x 2, and Waste of Wildlife—Bull Elk x 2. Tpr. Vogel (St. Helens) served the citations to the suspect at his Rainier residence for Ritter.

FISHING REGS? NO, THOSE ARE FOR OTHER PEOPLE, NOT US

While conducting another patrol, Herman and O’Connor observed a boat actively trolling for salmon, as well as a subject in the process of fileting a salmon on the back deck. When the anglers saw the troopers approaching, they stopped trolling and reeled in their rods. Herman boarded the boat and found the four anglers possessed eight salmon—three legal, two native coho, and three undersized Chinook. The anglers also had not validated any of the salmon and were all using barbed hooks. The troopers issued two citations for Unlawful Taking Nonadipose Fin-Clipped Coho Salmon, one for Unlawful Taking Undersized Chinook Salmon, three for Angling Prohibited Method—Barbed Hooks for Salmon, and three for Failure to Immediately Validate Harvest Card—Salmon. They also warned the anglers for multiple offenses and seized five salmon.

WAY TO RECRUIT NEW ANGLERS INTO OUR SPORT, JACKASSES

Sgt. Lea (Coos Bay) contacted a subject jigging for herring in Charleston. The subject said he had not harvested any herring but his friend’s children had, and he displayed a bucket containing 49 salmon smolts. While writing this subject a citation for No Angling License, the friend showed up. Upon inspecting the fish, he agreed they were smolts and apologized for not supervising his children closely. Lea cited the second subject for Aiding in a Game Violation—Unlawful Taking Salmon Smolts. Lea seized the smolts as evidence.

SURE, IT SUCKS WHEN THE FISH DON'T BITE AND YOU BURN AN ASSLOAD OF GAS, BUT THAT DOESN'T MEAN THE RULES ARE SUSPENDED FOR YOU

Tpr. O’Connor (Astoria) observed several subjects near a parked vehicle with an attached boat on a trailer in a seafood plant parking lot. One subject brought salmon from inside the boat to the stern and laid the fish on the deck. Upon contact, O’Connor located 14 salmon, and 10 were illegal. The boat operator insisted he had not fished during the trip and only drove the boat because his had suspended angling privileges in Washington. The subjects stated their trip targeted tuna; however, when they found little success with tuna, they got frustrated and went salmon fishing. O’Connor cited three anglers criminally for Exceeding the Daily Bag Limit of Adult Salmon and the operator criminally for Aiding in a Wildlife Offense and seized 10 salmon.

REALLY, OFFICER, WE'RE TRYING TO SAVE THE ENVIRONMENT BY DUMPING ALL THIS TRASH HALFWAY TO MY BUDDY'S HOUSE, IT TOTALLY CUTS DOWN ON OUR CARBON EMISSIONS

Bertram (Klamath Falls) patrolled JWTR lands and learned two subjects were dumping pieces of a dismantled RV trailer. He drove to the location and caught the subjects in the act of dumping the debris, including a large quantity of metal, lumber, and insulation from the trailer. The subjects told Bertram they were offloading the garbage at that location for another person to pick up. They stated this location was half way between them and would save them both gas. Bertram directed both subjects to clean up the mess and issued each a citation for Offensive Littering.

ODDS OF THREE OF THREE AFGHANIS IN A GROUP BEING ILLITERATE? PRETTY GOOD. ODDS OF THREE PEOPLE IN THE EUGENE AREA? NEXT TO ZERO, AND YET...

Tpr. Boyd (Springfield) received a complaint of three subjects shooting carp with bows in a section of the Fern Ridge Wildlife Area that is closed to entry for the protection of bird habitat. Boyd found the suspect’s vehicle; and, a short time later, he located the suspects behind a gate posted “Closed To Entry Except By Permit” and “Wildlife Sanctuary, Dike Closed Beyond This Point.” During the investigation, Boyd also learned that U.S. Army Corps of Engineers biologists recently attempted to educate the suspects multiple times without success. Boyd cited all three suspects for Unlawful Entry into (Posted) Closed Section of File Fern Ridge Wildlife Area.

ODDS OF FIVE OF FIVE MALIANS IN A GROUP BEING ILLITERATE? PRETTY GOOD. ODDS OF FIVE PEOPLE IN THE HEBO, ORE. AREA? NEXT TO ZERO, AND YET...

Tpr. Reding (Patrol) and Sr. Tpr. Turnbo (McMinnville) responded to Three Rivers at the Cedar Creek Hatchery for a complaint of five subjects snagging in an area closed to protect brood fish. The troopers found all five fishing next to a Closed to Angling sign, some snagging, and two retained steelhead. They cited two for Unlawful Possession Steelhead—Closed Stream and three for Angling Closed Stream.

A WONDERFUL CAMPING EXPERIENCE WITH MOMMY'S BOYFRIEND, THE DOPE-SMOKING SEX OFFENDER WHO BROUGHT HIS PORNO DVDS FOR AFTER S'MORES OR SOMETHING

Tpr. Borchers (Portland) observed a large camp along the Sandy River near the Columbia River where overnight camping is posted as prohibited. He hiked to the site and contacted five adults and one child observed sitting around a campfire with a 20-inch bong sitting near them. The four-year-old child was with his mother and his mother’s boyfriend. A search revealed two subjects, the mother, and the boyfriend possessed marijuana; the boyfriend is a registered sex offender and also possessed hypodermic needles and pornographic DVDs; and contraband inside the tent where the child was staying. Borchers took the mother and her boyfriend into custody for Endangering the Welfare of a Minor and cited them each and two others for UPCS—Less than One Ounce of Marijuana.

BLOGGER CAN ONLY SHAKE HIS HEAD -- ARE PEOPLE REALLY THIS STUPID?

As Tpr. Ritter (John Day) was driving away from the John Day office, a man traveling on Hwy 26 flagged him down and told him he needed to retrieve his firearm from the OSP office. The man followed Ritter into the John Day office parking lot where he explained that Patrol’s Tpr. Weaver seized his firearm for safekeeping the previous evening after arresting him for DUII. Ritter saw multiple indicators of impairment while speaking with the driver and smelled a moderate odor of an alcoholic beverage coming from his breath. The driver told Ritter he drank only one beer. After conducting SFSTs, Ritter took him into custody for DUII. Patrol’s Sr. Tpr. Johnson transported the driver to jail where he submitted to breath samples, BAC .14%. The suspect was additionally charged with Violating the No-Alcohol Clause—Conditional Release Agreement, which he received when he was released from jail earlier that morning, and Driving Uninsured.

AND FINALLY, THIS IS WHY WILDLIFE CRIMES NEED HARSHER PENALTIES, LIKE BEING FED TO OR-7 AND HIS BUDDIES, OR PUT IN THE STOCK IN DOWNTOWN SILETZ

In January 2011, the Newport Team, assisted by SWAT, served a search warrant on two residences in Siletz. The warrant stemmed from a lengthy investigation in salmon, deer, and elk poaching activities that occurred in the fall of 2010 in Lincoln County. On August 25, two subjects were indicted on multiple felony and misdemeanor charges stemming from that investigation and subsequent search warrant. Troopers found evidence of illegal take of Chinook salmon, black-tailed deer, and Roosevelt elk. Both men recently regained their Oregon hunting and fishing privileges after being suspended for two years for wildlife convictions. Felonies are being charged for the Unlawful Take charges due to repeat offenses within a 10-year period. The troopers charged the first suspect with Unlawful Take of Cow Elk—Closed Season (Felony), Unlawful Take of Spike Bull Elk—Closed Season (Felony), Unlawful Take of Blacktail Deer—Closed Season (Felony), Hunting Unlawful Method, Loaning Big Game Tag, and Fail to Validate Big Game Tag. They charged the second suspect with Felon in Possession of Firearms x 4 (Felony), Aiding in the Unlawful Take of Spike Bull Elk—Closed Season, Fail to Validate Salmon Harvest Card—x 6, Unlawful Take of Salmon—Snagging, Angling Prohibited Method—More than Three Hooks, Angling Prohibited Method—Weight not 18” above Hook, Exceeding Daily Limit of Chinook Salmon, and Wildlife Harassment.